The Married Life

Featured Image by: Toni Forrest

“What if… marriage is not about our happiness, but about our holiness?” – Gary Thomas

“How’s married life?”

I’ve heard this question countless times since being married. And with just a little over a year of experience now, I can’t help but feel my heart fill with joy every time I begin to answer – not because everything is perfect, but because everything is not perfect.

Growing up, I was told multiple times the symbolic meaning of marriage; that it is a relationship between a man and a woman meant to reflect the relationship between God and the Church (or “The Bride of Christ” as we’re called). But to be honest, as much as I accepted that and thought it made sense, I don’t believe I truly understood this concept; this great mystery as the Bible even refers to it in Ephesians 5:32, at least not the way I do now after experiencing marriage for myself.

The number one thing I have grasped since being married is that marriage is a sanctification tool used by God – it certainly has been in my life at least. I used to hate when couples would say that marriage is hard, but the reason being is because I thought admitting that marriage was hard just sent the message that they were miserable. “Why does marriage have to be miserable?” I’d question in my head… “They just must not be doing it right”.

However, what I’ve come to realize is that marriage IS hard; not because I’m miserable, or because I’m doing it all wrong, but because God has used my marriage to reveal to me just how selfish, prideful, spoiled, etc. … that I am, and believe me, that is hard! It’s never going to be easy admitting that I’m not a good person, that I need to work on things, or that I’m not always right. (In fact, sometimes I’m very wrong!) Yeah, admitting those things is very hard.

I believe it’s hard, for me, at least, because of pride. It hurts my pride when my desires aren’t fulfilled, when things don’t go my way, or when I’m told something about me needs to change – that I’m actually not as perfect as I’d like to think I am! But this, I believe, is also why Jesus emphasizes humility so much.

It takes a lot of humility to be angry, be in the middle of an argument, feel as if I’ve been wronged, etc. … and actually hear out that still, small voice in my head that’s tapping on my prideful heart saying “forgive”, “let go”, “is this really that big of a deal?”, “put him above yourself”, “you can make this better”. Oh, and yeah, the most common one, “say sorry”.  In these moments, and yes, I have these moments in my marriage, I can literally feel my prideful flesh fighting against my Spirit; like a physical pain inside my chest.

People …That. Is. HARD!

But 10 out of 10 times, allowing the Spirit to win, rather than allowing the flesh to win, is the best choice, with the best result. Again, is it easy? Not one bit, and that is why I believe divorce is so prominent these days; our society essentially breeds selfishness.

We want our personal momentary happiness more than we want God to refine us and make us holy.

Fighting this selfishness is hard, but there is hope because it’s also so very simple; choose flesh, and choose an unsuccessful marriage that slowly dies. Or choose to obey the Spirit, and choose a thriving, fruitful marriage that brings life to you, your spouse, and everyone around you.

Can you see the mystery unfolding? . . . just a little bit? Ah! It’s so profound it excites me!

Obviously, from what I’ve already shared, I am not a perfect person and I am very far from being a perfect wife, and to be completely honest, this is the part that I tell people is the hardest, yet the most beautiful part of marriage for me…

All my life I have tried to put up this façade to make people believe not only is my life perfect, but that I am perfect. I’m “miss-goody-two-shoes”, the sinless, perfect Teige, whose just got this whole faith thing down too. Well, ask any one of my family members and they will certainly tell you otherwise! I get angry. I get mean. I even throw little temper tantrums when I don’t get my way (yes, even at 23!). But if I let anyone outside my family see that side of me… how embarrassing! How ashamed I would be!

Then, I got married… and this man that I live with and am around almost 24/7 naturally, sooner or later, would see that side of me; this man that I love more than anything in the world sees my ugly. That’s why this is the hardest part for me… how embarrassing! How ashamed I feel when I think about just how well David knows me! He knows me fully, completely; totally unfiltered. Worst of all, David knows all the ways I’ve wronged him, or hurt him. He knows how imperfect I am. And how imperfect I will be.

And yet, he still loves me. He still forgives me.

Every time.

Unconditionally.

And that is the most beautiful part! I mean, woah! I’ve never received less from my family, but to be honest, that’s just expected; family is family. You can’t choose family. But, David chose me, and he chooses me every day. When I wrap my mind around this – this beautiful kind of love, (and believe me it’s so wonderous, I have to wrap my mind around it every day!) I become so overwhelmed, because it makes me fully (or at least close to fully) understand the magnitude of God’s love for me as well! David’s love doesn’t even compare to God’s love, yet David loves me A LOT! Like, that is a crazy kind of love!

This makes me think of a song I absolutely love by Tauren Wells called, Known. Please, if you haven’t heard this song, or even if you have, just take a moment and listen to the words and reflect on being fully known and loved by God.

The other thing about this, is that I could very easily allow my embarrassment, shame and guilt to control my actions, especially when I know I don’t deserve the love and forgiveness David gives me. I could run and hide; I could lash out in shameful anger; I could allow the guilt to just build a wall separating me from his love further and further… OR I can accept his love and forgiveness. I’ve realized because I have persevered in this first year in marriage by choosing to accept my faults, his love and forgiveness for me, and by trying my best to love this man back as much as he loves me, it has only made us closer than I ever even knew was possible. I mess up, my imperfection is revealed, he continues to love me, God helps me and us work through the imperfection (sanctification), and we grow closer and our love even stronger.

And this gave me another revelation on the fact that that is just like our relationship with God! How many times do we mess up and feel ashamed to the point of allowing our guilt to separate us farther and farther from the God who loves us? When in reality, he is only offering out his love, grace and forgiveness. All we have to do is accept it and try our best to love Him back. And that’s when our relationship with God will be closer and stronger than we ever imagined possible! Truth be told, I believe this sanctification process, becoming holier, more Christ-like, no matter how hard, is the real key to happiness.

“How’s married life?”

Let me tell you!

It’s amazing! It’s perfectly imperfect! 🙂